Andrew Solomon: 抑郁，我们共享的秘密（一）

这次的翻译的文章来自一个 TED 演讲。是一位曾经患抑郁症的人描述自己抑郁发作时候的经历。感人也同时给人以希望。希望以此文帮助到抑郁患者。 -- 峰哥
原链接：http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share.html
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译者留言：
@峰哥 -- 大家都留个言的说！
@戚小沫--第一次翻译，有点小紧张，期待下次一起翻译part2！
@Carol:第一次翻译，有点小紧张。（不用紧张！试试看！@峰哥）
@Josefina--Just feel lucky doing this job with u guys :) yeah!
@mandy
@白小卿: 第一次翻译，语言很通俗，见谅哈~ (通俗 is good!)
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Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share - Part 1
Andrew Solomon: 抑郁，我们共享的秘密
 
"I felt a funeral in my brain, and mourners to and fro kept treading, treading till I felt that sense was breaking through. And when they all were seated, a service, like a drum, kept beating, beating, till I felt my mind was going numb. And then I heard them lift a box and creak across my soul with those same boots of lead again, then space began to toll, as if the heavens were a bell and being were an ear, and I, and silence, some strange racewrecked, solitary, here. Just then, a plank in reason broke, and I fell down and down and hit a world at every plunge, and finished knowing then."
“我 可以感受到脑海中进行着的一场葬礼，哀悼者来来往往不停地踩踏着，直到这种感觉让我无法再忍受。而当他们都已经坐下，有些葬礼项目，比如鼓乐声，一直不停 地敲打回响着，到最后我又感觉自己的思维变得麻木起来。接着我听到他们，在同样的靴子踩踏声中搬着盒子，咯吱咯吱地碾过我的灵魂，然后那个空间中响起了鸣 钟声，在这儿，好像天堂就是那钟，而人类则是那耳，还有我，还有那寂静，还有那零落一地的奇怪残骸，还有孤独。就在那时，一块像木板一样支撑着我的原因断 裂了，我不停地下落，每一次都砸在什么东西上，最后我失去了意识。”
We know depression through metaphors. Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language, Goya in an image. Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states.
我们总是经由隐喻来了解抑郁。艾米丽•迪金森能够将之诉诸语言，戈雅则在图画中表达。艺术一半的目的便是去描述这种形象的状态。
As for me, I had always thought myself tough, one of the people who could survive if I'd been sent to a concentration camp.
至于我，我曾以为自己足够坚韧，即使被关进集中营也能幸存。
 
In 1991, I had a series of losses. My mother died, a relationship I'd been in ended, I moved back to the United States from some years abroad, and I got through all of those experiences intact.
1991年，我连着失去了很多。我的母亲去世，我的一个亲密关系也结束了，我经历海外数年生活后回到美国。经历了这一切后，我尚且完好。
 
But in 1994, three years later, I found myself losing interest in almost everything. I didn't want to do any of the things I had previously wanted to do, and I didn't know why. The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment. Everything there was to do seemed like too much work. I would come home and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine, and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends, I would think, "What a lot of people that is to have to call back." Or I would decide I should have lunch, and then I would think, but I'd have to get the food out and put it on a plate and cut it up and chew it and swallow it, and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross
但 是在1994年，也就是三年之后，我发现自己失去了对很多东西的兴趣。我不想做任何一件我以前想做的事情。我也不知道这是为什么。抑郁的反面并不是快乐， 而是活力。并且我感到活力已经在那个时候离开了我。一时之间，所有的事情似乎都是繁重的工作。比起听从我朋友的激励，我更想回到家里或者想看到红色的灯光 闪烁在我的回答机器（电话？）上。我要思考，“为什么有这么多人必须要回电话”或者我必须要决定我要吃午饭。进而我会想，尽管如此，我还是必须带着我的食 物出去然后把它们放在一个盘子上然后切开它们并且咀嚼吞咽它们。而这些令我觉得就像一幅耶稣受难像。
And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression is that you know it's ridiculous. You know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it's not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it. And so I began to feel myself doing less and thinking less and feeling less. It was a kind of nullity.
我 们在讨论抑郁时常常摸不着头脑的事情之一是，你抑郁时明知你经历的很荒诞。你明白大部分人能够听语音留言，吃午饭，洗澡，走去前门，而且这些事儿都没什么 大不了。然而，你就是逃不出它的掌心，找不到任何头绪。我开始感到自己做得少，想得少，感受也减少了。它就是一种空无。
And then the anxiety set in. If you told me that I'd have to be depressed for the next month,I would say, "As long I know it'll be over in November, I can do it." But if you said to me,"You have to have acute anxiety for the next month," I would rather slit my wrist than go through it. It was the feeling all the time like that feeling you have if you're walking and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you, but instead of lasting half a second, the way that does, it lasted for six months. It's a sensation of being afraid all the time but not even knowing what it is that you're afraid of. And it was at that point that I began to think that it was just too painful to be alive, and that the only reason not to kill oneself was so as not to hurt other people.
 接 着焦虑也接踵而至了。如果你告诉我，下个月我可能会抑郁，我就会说：“只要我知道它会在十一月结束，我就可以克服它。”但是如果你告诉我：“下个月你一定 会有严重的焦虑症状。”，我估计就得去割腕而不是努力克服它了。这就好像感觉你在走着，但是突然滑倒或是被绊倒了，地面擦痛了你，但那并不仅仅只持续了半 秒，它持续了半年。这是一种时刻恐惧的感觉，但是你甚至无法了解自己在害怕些什么。而从那时起，我就开始想，活着真的是太痛苦了，唯一阻止我自杀的原因就 是我不想伤害别的人。
And finally one day, I woke up and I thought perhaps I'd had a stroke, because I lay in bed completely frozen, looking at the telephone, thinking, "Something is wrong and I should call for help," and I couldn't reach out my arm and pick up the phone and dial. And finally, after four full hours of my lying and staring at it, the phone rang, and somehow I managed to pick it up, and it was my father, and I said, "I'm in serious trouble. We need to do something."
终 于有一天，我醒来的时候觉得自己可能中风了，因为我躺在床上完全不能动弹。我盯着电话，心想：“有些不对劲，我应该打电话寻求帮助。”但是我无法伸出我的 手拿起电话拨号。最终，在我躺在床上盯着它整整四小时之后，电话响了，我设法以某种方式接起了它，是我父亲。我告诉他；“我有很大的麻烦，我们需要做点什 么。”
The next day I started with the medications and the therapy. And I also started reckoningwith this terrible question: If I'm not the tough person who could have made it through a concentration camp, then who am I? And if I have to take medication, is that medication making me more fully myself, or is it making me someone else? And how do I feel about itif it's making me someone else?
第二天我开始吃药并进行治疗。同时，我也开始考虑这个可怕的问题：如果我并不是一个坚强的能够穿越一个集中营的人，那我到底是谁？如果我必须吃药，那些药就真的可以让我觉得自我得到了满足吗？或者这些会让我成为其他人吗？又或者如果这让我成为其他人，我的感受又是如何呢？
I had two advantages as I went in to the fight. The first is that I knew that, objectively speaking, I had a nice life, and that if I could only get well, there was something at the other end that was worth living for. And the other was that I had access to good treatment.
我进行这场斗争有两个优势。第一是我知道我有一个客观来说很美好的生活。而且如果我能恢复健康，一些值得为之生活的东西在另一头等着我。另一个优势是我有机会获得良好的治疗。
But I nonetheless emerged and relapsed, and emerged and relapsed, and emerged and relapsed, and finally understood I would have to be on medication and in therapy forever.And I thought, "But is it a chemical problem or a psychological problem? And does it need a chemical cure or a philosophical cure?" And I couldn't figure out which it was. And then I understood that actually, we aren't advanced enough in either area for it to explain things fully. The chemical cure and the psychological cure both have a role to play, and I also figured out that depression was something that was braided so deep into us that there was no separating it from our character and personality.
但 是尽管如此，它还是不断出现又复发，出现又复发，出现又复发……最后我终于懂了，可能这一辈子我都得依靠药物和治疗过活了。我想，“但是这到底是一个化学 问题还是一个心理学问题呢？我需要化学治疗还是心理治疗呢？”。我没法弄清楚到底是哪一个。接着我懂了，实际上不管在哪一个领域，我们都没有那么先进，可 以全面地解释这些事。化学治疗和心理学治疗都有其本身的作用，我同样认识到抑郁是如此紧密地与我们连接着，并没有方法将它与我们的性格与人格剥离。
I want to say that the treatments we have for depression are appalling. They're not very effective. They're extremely costly. They come with innumerable side effects. They're a disaster. But I am so grateful that I live now and not 50 years ago, when there would have been almost nothing to be done. I hope that 50 years hence, people will hear about my treatments and be appalled that anyone endured such primitive science.
我 想说我们现今应用的对于抑郁的治疗，并不是特别有效而且花费昂贵。它们会带来无数的其他影响。它们是一个灾难。但是我很感激我生活的现在并不是五十年前。 那时几乎什么都没有做。并且我希望在五十年之后，人们将会听到我的治疗方法应用于每一个人并且在这种基本的科学领域延续下去。
Depression is the flaw in love. If you were married to someone and thought, "Well, if my wife dies, I'll find another one," it wouldn't be love as we know it. There's no such thing as love without the anticipation of loss, and that specter of despair can be the engine of intimacy.
 抑郁是爱的裂纹。如果你结婚了并抱着要是妻子过世了我就再找一个的想法，那这绝不是我们通常意义上所认为的爱。没有一种爱是不包含对于失去的预期的，而这种绝望的感受能够促进我们变得亲密。
There are three things people tend to confuse: depression, grief and sadness. Grief is explicitly reactive. If you have a loss and you feel incredibly unhappy, and then, six months later, you are still deeply sad, but you're functioning a little better, it's probably grief, and it will probably ultimately resolve itself in some measure. If you experience a catastrophic loss, and you feel terrible, and six months later you can barely function at all, then it's probably a depression that was triggered by the catastrophic circumstances. The trajectory tells us a great deal. People think of depression as being just sadness. It's much, much too much sadness, much too much grief at far too slight a cause.
人 们往往容易混淆抑郁，悲伤和忧伤这三种情感。悲伤是一种明确的反应。如果你失去了什么，你会感到很不开心，于是半年过去了，你依旧为此非常难过，但是你处 理得好一些，它依然只是悲伤的情感，最终在某种程度上能够自愈。如果你遭遇了惨痛的损失，你感到很糟糕，半年后，你仍旧被包围在这种情绪中无能为力，那么 很可能灾难性的境遇引发了抑郁。这个发展轨迹告诉我们很多，人们把抑郁症仅仅看作是一种忧伤的情绪。但实际上在细微的缘由中包含了更多的忧伤和悲伤的情 绪。
 
As I set out to understand depression, and to interview people who had experienced it, I found that there were people who seemed on the surface to have what sounded likerelatively mild depression who were nonetheless utterly disabled by it. And there were other people who had what sounded as they described it like terribly severe depression who nonetheless had good lives in the interstices between their depressive episodes. And I set out to find out what it is that causes some people to be more resilient than other people.What are the mechanisms that allow people to survive? And I went out and I interviewed person after person who was suffering with depression.
当 我开始去了解抑郁症，并且采访那些有着抑郁经历的人们，我发现那些表面上看起来只是患有轻度抑郁症的人对其却束手无策；而那些描述自己患有严重抑郁的人们 却在病症发作的间隙生活地很好。为此，我想要探寻让那些人更具恢复能力的原因。是什么机制让患者幸免？于是我外出去采访了一个又一个饱受抑郁苦痛的人。
One of the first people I interviewed described depression as a slower way of being dead,and that was a good thing for me to hear early on because it reminded me that that slow way of being dead can lead to actual deadness, that this is a serious business. It's the leading disability worldwide, and people die of it every day.
我采访的第一个患者将抑郁症描述为慢性死亡，那是治疗初期我听到的一个好的信息，因为它提醒了我缓慢的死亡方式会导致真正的死亡，这是一件很严肃的事情。抑郁是全球首要的疾病，每天都有人死于它。
 
One of the people I talked to when I was trying to understand this was a beloved friend who I had known for many years, and who had had a psychotic episode in her freshman year of college, and then plummeted into a horrific depression. She had bipolar illness, or manic depression, as it was then known. And then she did very well for many years on lithium,and then eventually, she was taken off her lithium to see how she would do without it, and she had another psychosis, and then plunged into the worst depression that I had ever seen in which she sat in her parents' apartment, more or less catatonic, essentially without moving, day after day after day.
我 在交谈时试图了解这个我已经认识多年的朋友。她大学一年级曾罹患精神疾病，然后暴跌至可怕的抑郁症。她有双重疾病，或躁狂抑郁症，就像在那时所知道的一 样。但是她在（锂中？）多年表现良好，最终，她被带离了她的（锂？），看看没有这些她会怎样。她患有另一种精神疾病，然后陷入了我所见过的最糟糕的抑郁 症，我曾看见她一天又一天的坐在她的父母的公寓，或多或少的呈现出紧张性精神症，而且基本上从不运动。
And when I interviewed her about that experience some years later -- she's a poet and psychotherapist named Maggie Robbins — when I interviewed her, she said, "I was singing 'Where Have All The Flowers Gone' over and over to occupy my mind. I was singing to blot out the things my mind was saying, which were, 'You are nothing. You are nobody. You don't even deserve to live.' And that was when I really started thinking about killing myself."
数年后当我就那段经历采访她时，她已是诗人兼心理治疗师Maggie Robbins。当我采访她时，她说：“我曾经一遍又一遍地哼唱《花落何处》来填补我的思想，借此掩盖我内心的声音：‘你什么也不是，你是个无用的人，你甚至不应该活着。’也正是那时我开始认真考虑自杀。”
 
You don't think in depression that you've put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness,and that now you're seeing truly. It's easier to help schizophrenics who perceive that there's something foreign inside of them that needs to be exorcised, but it's difficult with depressives, because we believe we are seeing the truth.
在 抑郁中，你并不认为自己戴上了灰色的面纱，正在透过坏情绪的阴霾观察这个世界。你只是以为快乐的面纱已经被拿走，现在才看得真切了。帮助精神分裂症患者察 觉到在他们身体内部有些外来的部分，而这些部分需要被驱逐是个更容易的过程，然而对于抑郁症患者来说，这则相当困难，因为我们相信，我们看到的才是事实。