Things I Learned in My First Year of Motherhood
4月17日,沐沐出生一年零两天,我的纪念方式是在Toastmaster做了关于他的主题演讲。我感觉做得还蛮不错的CC2。很久就在构思,先写了中文的,然后开始英文的,不过内容并不对应,因为英文表达不好,所以我借鉴了一些外国妈妈写的内容,但选的都我心有所感的。很久没有写博了,虽然觉得不是特别满意还是勉强贴上来做个纪念吧。
谢谢Hihi特意帮我安排和Simon帮我修改Celia帮我点评。
10 Things I Learned in My First Year of Motherhood
HEAD
10 Days from this day last year, I've became a mother. But to trace back 2-3 years before that, I even didn't want any baby. I feared that having a child would hinder me from pursuing the life I want, like traveling on my own, working or studying in another city.
Things change, people change, and I've changed, gradually from resisting the idea of having a baby to wanting one. now, 1 year after I've became a mother, I can say that all my fears came true, but I enjoy it. I am totally captured by this little fellow.
My first year as a mother I learned all kinds of things. I learned how to swaddle and breastfeed and avoid getting peed on while changing a diaper. I learned how to bathe him and huddle him to sleep. I learned how to survive on very little sleep and how to look relatively presentable without showering. These skills will probably serve me well for a while.
And I learned some other things, that make my life more fulfilling.
BODY
No.1 I learned that moms don’t ever catch up on sleep. You just get used to living without it somehow.
At the first 2-3 months, I was so sleep deprived because I haven't get used to wake up at least 3 times to feed him or change diapers. Everybody and their dog advised me to “nap when he naps.” But it was virtually impossible to take a solid nap at the same time he sleeps, since he is either sleeping on my shoulder or with my nipple in his month, in both gesture, I can't move even a little bit, or it will end up with a burst of crying and another round of cuddling and comforting. At the most sleepy times, I will comfort myself : "It will get better when he is 4 months old", "maybe 6 month old? " "when he reaches 1 year's birthday, this situation will change."
But gradually, I realized that these were all my fantasies, a long, sound sleep was already a brief romance in my past. Maybe after my baby sleeps through the night my body is still trained not to. But I am already used to wake up 3-4 times and can still be energetic.
NO.2 I learned to trust my motherly instincts and not freak out when the doctor lectures me about growth charts.
I did a ridiculous amount of reading when I was pregnant. I read natural parenting books and baby scheduling books and how to make your baby happy with no crying and eating is good for everyone led by the spirit of "your baby, yourself" books. If there was a book to read, rest assured, I gave it a go.
But how much of that information did I actually use? Some. A little. The best bits of this, a quick trick from that, but no single book was spot-on accurate. Since every baby is distinct and no amount of reading or words of wisdom can prepare me for the ups and downs of parenthood. Everything is trial and error. But eventually, after countless times of huddling, feeding, playing, you'll get the clues of your baby and knows what he wants from only a frown or smile.
At the first time when he get a fever, I was so worried to see such a little baby suffer, crying aloud and cough all the time. It’s like the sky is falling down. Then the second time, I am strong enough to face it, and can judge the situation from his emotional condition.
No.3 Whenever you think you get a hold on parenthood, you don’t.
This seems contradict with trust your motherly instinct. But it’s actually lije two facet of a coin. After I have gained some connection with my baby, life taught me not to be over-relaxed.
At the third time of his fever, I am relaxed at the first day since the temperature remains about 38.5. But at night, it sored to about 39.5 to 40 degress Celsius, and I have to take him to hospital the next day.
So, I learned to remember, trust your motherly instincts, but always be alert to uncommon conditions and consult professionals. Never be too arrogant, while have confidence in yourself. Motherhood is a delicate balance bewteen the two.
No.4 Rear you baby on your own, because it will be the most fulfilling job you've ever had. But also try to use what ever resources you've get to help you.
A lot of young people today just give birth to the baby and then leave him/her to the older generation. Partially because of pressure of work, partially because of lack of willingness to take responsbilities. While the older generation always encourage this situation by saying: You just need to give birth to the baby, we’ll take care of the rest.
However, I felt this thought is very wrong. By nature, raising the next generation, should be parents’ job, not grandparents’. And it’s the most fulfilling job in the world, accompanied with so many difficuities and tiredness. Actually sometimes things that are hard and painful are also really, really good. Every once in a while as a parent, one of the things that you thought would be really difficult turns out to be incredibly easy and drama-free.
However, do this job on your own does not mean you can not ask for help. Try to use what ever resources you can get, including grandparents, relatives, even your pets. I am so glad that I insisted in keeping my cat at pregancy. At that time, it’s because he is a family member of me, now, he is the best friend of my son.
No.5 To have a baby means all your life would be messed up and rearranged around him.
A typical day will be like this: wake up at 5:30, since he cries, hold him for 15 minutes, then sleep for 15 minutes, cry again, hold again, this will repeat for 3-4 times, finally wake up. Dress him, wash him, feed him, wash him again. Take him out to play. Feed him. ….You can hardly get time to clean yourself up or eat your dinner peacefully. His need will be the priority for a long time. This is so true, your life will no longer be as peaceful as before, like read a book before go to bed, take a nap in the noon. You can, but every minute you may stop to attend to the baby’s need.
To tell the truth, you cannot get your old life back. No more spontaneous dates with your partner, no more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more lots of things you previously loved. So make peace with your current (sleep-deprived) circumstances, and move forward to embrace your new life.This can be frustrating, but at last, you will not remember the frustration, only cherished memories. Like Jennifer Senior said on New Yorker: The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification and delight.
NO.6 Lower your standards to maintain your sanity.
With a baby at home, if you are not those kind of super mom, you'd better start to lower your standards of your daily life.
At the same time, lower your standards about your baby. All those cut, clean babies with a big smile only exist on posters. It is ok if he is eating paper, so long as it is not a whole piece. (Believe me, your child’s swallowing paper is one of the least-worrisome nonfood items he or she can ingest.)It is ok if he is playing with banana or cereal and put it all on his new sweater. It's ok if he wets the bed sheet or even poops on it. It is ok if he fall down or get hurt or even burn himself. Everything will be ok eventually.
NO.7 A baby formes a new kind of relationship with my family and learned to love my husband as the father.
Having a child means a total change in your relationships with others. You’ve got much more communication with family members — grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other loved ones. Try to be gracious and patient with the many communications: everyone’s questions and comments about your little love, and requests for time, visits, and more pictures and cell-phone conversations. Bottom line: Everyone just wants to love on your honey, and love is good.
I even know my community in a new way. Suddenly, you see so many children in your neighbourhood and the time you talk with their parents in one week can equal that you have talked with your neighbours for years you lived here. Every morning’s walk will be like this, nod, smile and converse with other parents, a typical conversation could be like this: Awwww, so cute. How old is your baby? …Yes, she’s had teeth for a while now! …Yeah, she does think that straw is tasty!
It changes my relationship with my husband also. I have to admit, relationships are tough. Having a child makes them tougher.
Raising babies is the hardest thing many couples have ever done. So having a good, strong, understanding partner is key. You can tear each other to bits, criticize every choices and turn up noses. But after surviving these, you can love each other more, especially when you are both admire your most adorable baby sleeping safe and sound besides you, and asking each other "isn't him the cutest?", which the other will answer definitely, "YES!!".
No.8 Be kind to yourself, post-baby. (Insightful advice, and this encompassed both body and soul.) Motherhood is a life changing experience. You are always overwhelmed by the responsibility of looking after your baby that you forget about looking after yourself. Don't. I had been a mother for less than an hour and was already struggling to find a balance between taking care of myself and taking care of him.
An example: Take a walk outside with the goal of simply taking a few deep breaths and soaking up nature, rather than of whittling away at your nine-month weight gain.
NO.9The most important thing to get for your baby is not a Rock n' Play, nor a good set of swaddling blankets, nor a high-end stroller. The most important thing to get for your baby is a community. They will carry you when you are tired, feed you when you are starving, forgive you when you are unkempt and hours late and a neglectful friend who can't remember to wear socks let alone whose birthday it is. They will love your baby when you are too tired or frustrated to hold her at the moment, because you are imperfect and human and have imperfect and human failings. They will remind you who you are when you start to think your whole life is only about poop. They will lift you up.
NO.10 You really don’t know another parent, and why they do what they do, until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
You really don’t know another parent, and why they do what they do, until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, or at least swapped diaper bags for an hour or so.Motherhood has really opened my eyes to this old adage. I see other parents doing things differently from the way I do them, and even though I know what I want for my daughter, I don’t presume that my way is the right way for my fellow mamas and papas.
END
At last, I want to say, All those things will be partially true while partially untrue at the same time. Since everyone's experience is different. Having a baby can mean you are one foot in heaven and one foot in hell at the same time.
It feels really good to hold a soft, sweet little body in arms and knowing that he needs you. It really sucks when you have to endure hours of crying and holding him all the time.
So, it’s more like heaven or more like hell, depends on your readiness to face all the conditions a baby will bring.
Like Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat Pray Love, having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really wanna be fully committed.
So, wait for the moment when you are ready to enbrace the life with a baby, see what surprises it will give you.
做母亲一年了解到的
去年的今日此时,我正在医院,给我的儿子喂第一次奶,那时他出生两天。也就是说,到现在,我做母亲一年零两天。
今天,我想和大家分享做母亲一年,我体会到的一些事情。
第一件是,最好的事情,可能从最坏的事情而来.让我快退一下,倒带到我第一次来到TM的时候,那是我非常艰难的一段时光。我正处于怀孕的第一阶段,感受着身体和心理的不适,而在最后,我心爱的猫咪去世了。
我还记得那一天,我们从医院里带她回来,她在心爱的躺椅上喘着粗气,然后停止了呼吸。那是我第一次面临死亡。我和老公把她用毯子包住,放在一个纸箱子里,带到楼下花园里。当老公去办公室拿一把铁锨的时候,我蹲在花坛旁边,独自陪着她,感受着身边夜色里草木生长的力量,夜来香的香气。那一霎那,我感觉我不再悲伤,至少不像她在医院时,好像她在夜色中与我告别,祝福我。
但夜色过去,重新进入白天之后,我还是沉陷进入一种悲伤无力的感觉。大约两个月,我感觉看不到未来,肚子里的孩子还不太真实,我感不到身为母亲的快乐,但我的生活却实实在在改变了。我暗暗地觉得内疚,因为我身体的不适,在选择在家里治疗还是住院的时候,我给猫咪选择了住院治疗,虽然一方面是担心自己做不好,我感到自己没有尽到一个做主人的责任。
但在怀孕的第三期,我却感到非常的舒服,我不再那样内疚。我也不再担心做母亲会束缚我做想做的事情,而是觉得自己可以在做母亲的时候,同时拥有宽广的未来。我自知,这大概是我生命中最美的一段。在我每次体验这种轻盈和踏实的感觉时,我会暗暗想起那段陷入悲伤的时光,然后告诉自己:每当你觉得生活陷入最低,那么恭喜你,生活就会一天天往好里走了。低谷不会是永久的。
第二件是,选择能够与你一同承担的人,或者做一个乐于承担的人。
让我们来到我的宝宝诞生的第五天,2013年4月20日。那天早上,我正在喂宝宝第一次奶,忽然头顶的输液架剧烈摇晃起来——你们都知道发生了什么,雅安发生了7.0级地震。那时我老公正在卫生间洗漱,并做出院的准备。他做的事情是马上冲出来,护在我和宝宝身上。然后我们在护士的疏导下到楼下避震,看着形形色色的新妈妈或者准妈妈,抱着宝宝或者挺着翩翩大腹。不同的爸爸表现截然不同,听说有一家的爸爸,在地震之时,抱着宝宝就冲了出去,留产妇一个人在床上。
你看,找一个什么样的人做爸爸多么重要。即使不是地震这样少见的危急关头你需要他的看护,在生了孩子后的无数个时刻,你都需要人与你分担。比如深夜的哭闹,即使没有人起来帮你,你至少需要一个温暖的问候。
第三件是,宝宝的诞生,会让你和一些旧友的关系更加深入。也会深刻改变整个家庭的关系,或许会让你们更分裂,或许让你们更亲密。
一个我始料未及的事情,是我成为母亲之后,突然和一些本已缺少联系的老朋友突然又多了话题,我们快乐地聊着育儿经,并且商量着互相拜访,一起出行。这大概是拥有宝宝带来的一项额外福利吧,本来拥有了不同工作和生活的老朋友,有些已经很少话题,但年龄相仿的宝宝,或者带宝宝共同的担心,让友谊重新生机勃勃起来。
而在生宝宝之前,我觉得我和老公是独立的人,虽然我们很相爱,但我没想过我们从不会分开——我是一个悲观主义者。而宝宝出生之后,在一起看着他的微笑无数次,为他喂奶擦粑粑无数次,看着他继承自我们两个人的面貌。我感觉到我和这个男人的关系不同了,有一种新的力量或者新的关系在我们之间诞生,我们有了一个共同身份xx妈,xx爸,作为两个顾家爱孩子的父母,这重身份对我们非常重要,因为这重牵绊,我开始感觉踏实,更觉得我们能够平和踏实的终老。
不仅仅是和我的老公,还有他的父母和亲戚。再此之前,我尊重他们,了解他们,并且时常问候他们,但却从没觉得自己和他们那么深切的羁绊和牵连。但当宝宝诞生,看着他的姑姑、舅舅、婆婆们就像我一样,极其爱这个小人儿,看着他回忆老公的幼年;我在外出的时候,和公公婆婆的联系也多了数十倍,因为不断地发送关于宝宝的近况照片和信息,我理解到,孩子真的是一个家庭的纽带,他的到来会改变整个家庭的关系和面貌,正如他的爸爸所言,整个家庭一起培养了一个共同的爱好,就是“爱宝宝”。
当然,共同的爱并不一定就导致最和谐的情况,大家都爱这个小人,爱的方式却不一定相同,在针对他的许多决定上,大家会产生分歧,作为新父母会有倍感压力之时。这是成为父母带来的挑战之一:对家庭关系变化的应对,但如果真的解决好了,这将会是对家庭关系的深刻改善,也是对个人心态的极大改变。我是首先,学会承担,作为父母,我是首先对孩子的决定拥有发言权的人,我会努力去了解信息,做出最好的决定,并且说服他人;然后你慢慢变得心里有数,你会开始学会让步,理解到各种不同的东西,对孩子可能各有好处,在把握基本原则的时候,做到放松。我也会学到为别人的帮助感激,并且更能够理解生命中的困境,理解人的局限性,生命的不完整不完美,变得更理解,更悲天悯人。
第四件是,宝宝的诞生,你的生活将会完全不同。所以一定要做好准备。
正如《美食祈祷爱》的作者所写:生一个孩子就像在脸上刺青,你一定得考虑好你想要什么。
宝宝的诞生,会打乱你的生活节奏,你不得不做每一件事都先考虑他的需求,按照他的节奏去安排生活,把以前的日常事宜安排在他的每一次哭闹,每一次吃奶之间,在他生病时候,全家都要放下手头的事情照顾他。
但是如果你为成为一个母亲感到高兴,这也是幸福的和心甘情愿的奔忙。正如Senior所说:曾经让你的情绪陷入低谷的事情,在将来都会成为你巨大的喜悦和快乐的来源。
谢谢Hihi特意帮我安排和Simon帮我修改Celia帮我点评。
10 Things I Learned in My First Year of Motherhood
HEAD
10 Days from this day last year, I've became a mother. But to trace back 2-3 years before that, I even didn't want any baby. I feared that having a child would hinder me from pursuing the life I want, like traveling on my own, working or studying in another city.
Things change, people change, and I've changed, gradually from resisting the idea of having a baby to wanting one. now, 1 year after I've became a mother, I can say that all my fears came true, but I enjoy it. I am totally captured by this little fellow.
My first year as a mother I learned all kinds of things. I learned how to swaddle and breastfeed and avoid getting peed on while changing a diaper. I learned how to bathe him and huddle him to sleep. I learned how to survive on very little sleep and how to look relatively presentable without showering. These skills will probably serve me well for a while.
And I learned some other things, that make my life more fulfilling.
BODY
No.1 I learned that moms don’t ever catch up on sleep. You just get used to living without it somehow.
At the first 2-3 months, I was so sleep deprived because I haven't get used to wake up at least 3 times to feed him or change diapers. Everybody and their dog advised me to “nap when he naps.” But it was virtually impossible to take a solid nap at the same time he sleeps, since he is either sleeping on my shoulder or with my nipple in his month, in both gesture, I can't move even a little bit, or it will end up with a burst of crying and another round of cuddling and comforting. At the most sleepy times, I will comfort myself : "It will get better when he is 4 months old", "maybe 6 month old? " "when he reaches 1 year's birthday, this situation will change."
But gradually, I realized that these were all my fantasies, a long, sound sleep was already a brief romance in my past. Maybe after my baby sleeps through the night my body is still trained not to. But I am already used to wake up 3-4 times and can still be energetic.
NO.2 I learned to trust my motherly instincts and not freak out when the doctor lectures me about growth charts.
I did a ridiculous amount of reading when I was pregnant. I read natural parenting books and baby scheduling books and how to make your baby happy with no crying and eating is good for everyone led by the spirit of "your baby, yourself" books. If there was a book to read, rest assured, I gave it a go.
But how much of that information did I actually use? Some. A little. The best bits of this, a quick trick from that, but no single book was spot-on accurate. Since every baby is distinct and no amount of reading or words of wisdom can prepare me for the ups and downs of parenthood. Everything is trial and error. But eventually, after countless times of huddling, feeding, playing, you'll get the clues of your baby and knows what he wants from only a frown or smile.
At the first time when he get a fever, I was so worried to see such a little baby suffer, crying aloud and cough all the time. It’s like the sky is falling down. Then the second time, I am strong enough to face it, and can judge the situation from his emotional condition.
No.3 Whenever you think you get a hold on parenthood, you don’t.
This seems contradict with trust your motherly instinct. But it’s actually lije two facet of a coin. After I have gained some connection with my baby, life taught me not to be over-relaxed.
At the third time of his fever, I am relaxed at the first day since the temperature remains about 38.5. But at night, it sored to about 39.5 to 40 degress Celsius, and I have to take him to hospital the next day.
So, I learned to remember, trust your motherly instincts, but always be alert to uncommon conditions and consult professionals. Never be too arrogant, while have confidence in yourself. Motherhood is a delicate balance bewteen the two.
No.4 Rear you baby on your own, because it will be the most fulfilling job you've ever had. But also try to use what ever resources you've get to help you.
A lot of young people today just give birth to the baby and then leave him/her to the older generation. Partially because of pressure of work, partially because of lack of willingness to take responsbilities. While the older generation always encourage this situation by saying: You just need to give birth to the baby, we’ll take care of the rest.
However, I felt this thought is very wrong. By nature, raising the next generation, should be parents’ job, not grandparents’. And it’s the most fulfilling job in the world, accompanied with so many difficuities and tiredness. Actually sometimes things that are hard and painful are also really, really good. Every once in a while as a parent, one of the things that you thought would be really difficult turns out to be incredibly easy and drama-free.
However, do this job on your own does not mean you can not ask for help. Try to use what ever resources you can get, including grandparents, relatives, even your pets. I am so glad that I insisted in keeping my cat at pregancy. At that time, it’s because he is a family member of me, now, he is the best friend of my son.
No.5 To have a baby means all your life would be messed up and rearranged around him.
A typical day will be like this: wake up at 5:30, since he cries, hold him for 15 minutes, then sleep for 15 minutes, cry again, hold again, this will repeat for 3-4 times, finally wake up. Dress him, wash him, feed him, wash him again. Take him out to play. Feed him. ….You can hardly get time to clean yourself up or eat your dinner peacefully. His need will be the priority for a long time. This is so true, your life will no longer be as peaceful as before, like read a book before go to bed, take a nap in the noon. You can, but every minute you may stop to attend to the baby’s need.
To tell the truth, you cannot get your old life back. No more spontaneous dates with your partner, no more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more lots of things you previously loved. So make peace with your current (sleep-deprived) circumstances, and move forward to embrace your new life.This can be frustrating, but at last, you will not remember the frustration, only cherished memories. Like Jennifer Senior said on New Yorker: The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification and delight.
NO.6 Lower your standards to maintain your sanity.
With a baby at home, if you are not those kind of super mom, you'd better start to lower your standards of your daily life.
At the same time, lower your standards about your baby. All those cut, clean babies with a big smile only exist on posters. It is ok if he is eating paper, so long as it is not a whole piece. (Believe me, your child’s swallowing paper is one of the least-worrisome nonfood items he or she can ingest.)It is ok if he is playing with banana or cereal and put it all on his new sweater. It's ok if he wets the bed sheet or even poops on it. It is ok if he fall down or get hurt or even burn himself. Everything will be ok eventually.
NO.7 A baby formes a new kind of relationship with my family and learned to love my husband as the father.
Having a child means a total change in your relationships with others. You’ve got much more communication with family members — grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other loved ones. Try to be gracious and patient with the many communications: everyone’s questions and comments about your little love, and requests for time, visits, and more pictures and cell-phone conversations. Bottom line: Everyone just wants to love on your honey, and love is good.
I even know my community in a new way. Suddenly, you see so many children in your neighbourhood and the time you talk with their parents in one week can equal that you have talked with your neighbours for years you lived here. Every morning’s walk will be like this, nod, smile and converse with other parents, a typical conversation could be like this: Awwww, so cute. How old is your baby? …Yes, she’s had teeth for a while now! …Yeah, she does think that straw is tasty!
It changes my relationship with my husband also. I have to admit, relationships are tough. Having a child makes them tougher.
Raising babies is the hardest thing many couples have ever done. So having a good, strong, understanding partner is key. You can tear each other to bits, criticize every choices and turn up noses. But after surviving these, you can love each other more, especially when you are both admire your most adorable baby sleeping safe and sound besides you, and asking each other "isn't him the cutest?", which the other will answer definitely, "YES!!".
No.8 Be kind to yourself, post-baby. (Insightful advice, and this encompassed both body and soul.) Motherhood is a life changing experience. You are always overwhelmed by the responsibility of looking after your baby that you forget about looking after yourself. Don't. I had been a mother for less than an hour and was already struggling to find a balance between taking care of myself and taking care of him.
An example: Take a walk outside with the goal of simply taking a few deep breaths and soaking up nature, rather than of whittling away at your nine-month weight gain.
NO.9The most important thing to get for your baby is not a Rock n' Play, nor a good set of swaddling blankets, nor a high-end stroller. The most important thing to get for your baby is a community. They will carry you when you are tired, feed you when you are starving, forgive you when you are unkempt and hours late and a neglectful friend who can't remember to wear socks let alone whose birthday it is. They will love your baby when you are too tired or frustrated to hold her at the moment, because you are imperfect and human and have imperfect and human failings. They will remind you who you are when you start to think your whole life is only about poop. They will lift you up.
NO.10 You really don’t know another parent, and why they do what they do, until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
You really don’t know another parent, and why they do what they do, until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, or at least swapped diaper bags for an hour or so.Motherhood has really opened my eyes to this old adage. I see other parents doing things differently from the way I do them, and even though I know what I want for my daughter, I don’t presume that my way is the right way for my fellow mamas and papas.
END
At last, I want to say, All those things will be partially true while partially untrue at the same time. Since everyone's experience is different. Having a baby can mean you are one foot in heaven and one foot in hell at the same time.
It feels really good to hold a soft, sweet little body in arms and knowing that he needs you. It really sucks when you have to endure hours of crying and holding him all the time.
So, it’s more like heaven or more like hell, depends on your readiness to face all the conditions a baby will bring.
Like Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat Pray Love, having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really wanna be fully committed.
So, wait for the moment when you are ready to enbrace the life with a baby, see what surprises it will give you.
做母亲一年了解到的
去年的今日此时,我正在医院,给我的儿子喂第一次奶,那时他出生两天。也就是说,到现在,我做母亲一年零两天。
今天,我想和大家分享做母亲一年,我体会到的一些事情。
第一件是,最好的事情,可能从最坏的事情而来.让我快退一下,倒带到我第一次来到TM的时候,那是我非常艰难的一段时光。我正处于怀孕的第一阶段,感受着身体和心理的不适,而在最后,我心爱的猫咪去世了。
我还记得那一天,我们从医院里带她回来,她在心爱的躺椅上喘着粗气,然后停止了呼吸。那是我第一次面临死亡。我和老公把她用毯子包住,放在一个纸箱子里,带到楼下花园里。当老公去办公室拿一把铁锨的时候,我蹲在花坛旁边,独自陪着她,感受着身边夜色里草木生长的力量,夜来香的香气。那一霎那,我感觉我不再悲伤,至少不像她在医院时,好像她在夜色中与我告别,祝福我。
但夜色过去,重新进入白天之后,我还是沉陷进入一种悲伤无力的感觉。大约两个月,我感觉看不到未来,肚子里的孩子还不太真实,我感不到身为母亲的快乐,但我的生活却实实在在改变了。我暗暗地觉得内疚,因为我身体的不适,在选择在家里治疗还是住院的时候,我给猫咪选择了住院治疗,虽然一方面是担心自己做不好,我感到自己没有尽到一个做主人的责任。
但在怀孕的第三期,我却感到非常的舒服,我不再那样内疚。我也不再担心做母亲会束缚我做想做的事情,而是觉得自己可以在做母亲的时候,同时拥有宽广的未来。我自知,这大概是我生命中最美的一段。在我每次体验这种轻盈和踏实的感觉时,我会暗暗想起那段陷入悲伤的时光,然后告诉自己:每当你觉得生活陷入最低,那么恭喜你,生活就会一天天往好里走了。低谷不会是永久的。
第二件是,选择能够与你一同承担的人,或者做一个乐于承担的人。
让我们来到我的宝宝诞生的第五天,2013年4月20日。那天早上,我正在喂宝宝第一次奶,忽然头顶的输液架剧烈摇晃起来——你们都知道发生了什么,雅安发生了7.0级地震。那时我老公正在卫生间洗漱,并做出院的准备。他做的事情是马上冲出来,护在我和宝宝身上。然后我们在护士的疏导下到楼下避震,看着形形色色的新妈妈或者准妈妈,抱着宝宝或者挺着翩翩大腹。不同的爸爸表现截然不同,听说有一家的爸爸,在地震之时,抱着宝宝就冲了出去,留产妇一个人在床上。
你看,找一个什么样的人做爸爸多么重要。即使不是地震这样少见的危急关头你需要他的看护,在生了孩子后的无数个时刻,你都需要人与你分担。比如深夜的哭闹,即使没有人起来帮你,你至少需要一个温暖的问候。
第三件是,宝宝的诞生,会让你和一些旧友的关系更加深入。也会深刻改变整个家庭的关系,或许会让你们更分裂,或许让你们更亲密。
一个我始料未及的事情,是我成为母亲之后,突然和一些本已缺少联系的老朋友突然又多了话题,我们快乐地聊着育儿经,并且商量着互相拜访,一起出行。这大概是拥有宝宝带来的一项额外福利吧,本来拥有了不同工作和生活的老朋友,有些已经很少话题,但年龄相仿的宝宝,或者带宝宝共同的担心,让友谊重新生机勃勃起来。
而在生宝宝之前,我觉得我和老公是独立的人,虽然我们很相爱,但我没想过我们从不会分开——我是一个悲观主义者。而宝宝出生之后,在一起看着他的微笑无数次,为他喂奶擦粑粑无数次,看着他继承自我们两个人的面貌。我感觉到我和这个男人的关系不同了,有一种新的力量或者新的关系在我们之间诞生,我们有了一个共同身份xx妈,xx爸,作为两个顾家爱孩子的父母,这重身份对我们非常重要,因为这重牵绊,我开始感觉踏实,更觉得我们能够平和踏实的终老。
不仅仅是和我的老公,还有他的父母和亲戚。再此之前,我尊重他们,了解他们,并且时常问候他们,但却从没觉得自己和他们那么深切的羁绊和牵连。但当宝宝诞生,看着他的姑姑、舅舅、婆婆们就像我一样,极其爱这个小人儿,看着他回忆老公的幼年;我在外出的时候,和公公婆婆的联系也多了数十倍,因为不断地发送关于宝宝的近况照片和信息,我理解到,孩子真的是一个家庭的纽带,他的到来会改变整个家庭的关系和面貌,正如他的爸爸所言,整个家庭一起培养了一个共同的爱好,就是“爱宝宝”。
当然,共同的爱并不一定就导致最和谐的情况,大家都爱这个小人,爱的方式却不一定相同,在针对他的许多决定上,大家会产生分歧,作为新父母会有倍感压力之时。这是成为父母带来的挑战之一:对家庭关系变化的应对,但如果真的解决好了,这将会是对家庭关系的深刻改善,也是对个人心态的极大改变。我是首先,学会承担,作为父母,我是首先对孩子的决定拥有发言权的人,我会努力去了解信息,做出最好的决定,并且说服他人;然后你慢慢变得心里有数,你会开始学会让步,理解到各种不同的东西,对孩子可能各有好处,在把握基本原则的时候,做到放松。我也会学到为别人的帮助感激,并且更能够理解生命中的困境,理解人的局限性,生命的不完整不完美,变得更理解,更悲天悯人。
第四件是,宝宝的诞生,你的生活将会完全不同。所以一定要做好准备。
正如《美食祈祷爱》的作者所写:生一个孩子就像在脸上刺青,你一定得考虑好你想要什么。
宝宝的诞生,会打乱你的生活节奏,你不得不做每一件事都先考虑他的需求,按照他的节奏去安排生活,把以前的日常事宜安排在他的每一次哭闹,每一次吃奶之间,在他生病时候,全家都要放下手头的事情照顾他。
但是如果你为成为一个母亲感到高兴,这也是幸福的和心甘情愿的奔忙。正如Senior所说:曾经让你的情绪陷入低谷的事情,在将来都会成为你巨大的喜悦和快乐的来源。
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