Ask Noel Gallagher whatever you want, and he'll tell you whatever he thinks. And upstairs at the Groucho - over three bowls of miniature sausages and a plate of chips - the 46-year-old is in full flight.
On One Direction: "Fooking idiots. Bless 'em. Bless 'em, but fook 'em at the same time."
On backstage riders: "I've seen seeds on Coldplay's dressing room. Fooking seeds! Where's the parrot?"
On radio promos: "Why have I got to be there at seven in the morning? Who's listening at fooking seven in the morning? Cunts, that's who's."
On the Brit Awards: "You can be sat at a table with a load of people from an insurance company. 'Where you from? Classical label?', 'No. AIG.' 'Well,what the fooking are you doing here?'"
关于全英奖：“你会跟一桌保险公司的人坐在一起。‘你来自哪里？ Classical label？’‘不，我是AIG的。’‘那你他妈的来这里干嘛？’”
Rock star, philosopher, multi-million-selling, Ivor Novello Award-winning songwriter - and slightly grumpy dad - Noel Gallagher is GQ's Icon Of The Year.
摇滚巨星、哲学家、百万唱片销量、Ivor Novello得奖的作曲家，也是一个有点臭脾气的爸爸 - NG，是今年的GQ的年度偶像。
Danny: Noel. You're completely in charge. What’s the first commandment in the Church of Gallagher ? A rule we’d all have to live by ?
Noel: [Long pause, thinking.] People shouldn’t start work before 10 o’clock in the morning. People shouldn’t work weekends unless they work in the service industry and they’re getting paid double time. Thou Shalt Not Work. I don’t like workaholics. Don’t fooking trust them. Why are they working? I don't trust busy cunts. That's how wars start: busy fookers. If terrorism had a weedend off, eventually they'd have a year off. Eventually they'd go, 'Fook this - blowing up shit? Football's on. Thou shalt not be arsed.
D: What would you ban?
N: I don't like litter. I like that Singapore thing. You know - you get caught dropping litter you get your head chopping off. I'd have a bin on every street corner. If you're going to buy a doughnut, eat the fooking doughnut. Don't have a bite and then chuck it on the floor. Eat the fooking doughnut.
D: Who would you ban?
N: The root of all that is bad in the world. All religious and political preachers.
D: Isn't your wife religious?
N: She has been known to attend church.
D: That's one of the first signs.
N: I've never seen her do it. But you know when you see these people standing on soapboxes banging on about religion or politics, or worse - when they're combinging the fooking two? Really? If you're thinking that anything written in a book 2000 years old bears any relevance to anything these days...
D: What would be our Bible, then?
N: I only read factual books. I can't think of...I mean, novels are just a waste of fooking time. I can't suspend belief in reality...I just end up thinking."This isn't fooking true." I like reading about things that have actually happened. I'm reading this book at the minute - The Kennedy Tapes. It's all about the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis - I can get into that. Thinking, 'Wow, this actually fooking happened, they came that close to blowing the world up!' But...what fooking winds me up about books...
N：我只看写实的书。我不会去想。。。我的意思是看小说是浪费时间的事情。我无法把我的思想延伸到现实之外。。。每次我都只会想到“这他妈是假的”，我喜欢看那些真实发生过的事。现在我正在看一本书《The Kennedy Tapes》。是关于冷战、古巴导弹危机。我能投入到这些当中，想着“哇，这他妈真的发生过，他们就差那么一点就把地球炸了！”但是书本耍我的是...
D: This is already the best sentence I've ever heard.
N: ...is,like...my missus will come in with a book and it will be titled - and there's a lot of these, you can substitute any word, it's like a Rubik's Cube of shit titles - it'll be entitled The Incontinence Of Elephants. And I'll say "What's that book about?" And she'll say, "Oh it's about a girl and this load of fooking nutters..." Right...so it's not about elephants, then? Why the fooking is it called The Incontinence Of Elephants? Another one: The Tales Of The Clumsy Beekeeper. What's that about? "Oh it's about the French Revolution." Right, fook off. If you're writing a book about a child who's locked in a fooking cupboard during the fooking Second World War...he's never seen an elephant.Never mind a fooking giraffe.
D: Why are album titles different? Why don't you call yours Some Songs That I've Written, then?
N: Because people who write and read and review books are fooking putting themselves a tiny little bit above the rest of us who fooking make records and write pathetic little songs for a living.
D: Thing is, I write books, and...
N: Hey. I know you write books and all that shit. I'm just saying. The winner of the Pulizer Prize [for fiction]. What a cunt. Whoever that is, has got to be. I don't get it. Book sellers, book readers, book writers, book owners - fook all of them.
D: Book owners?
N: Yeah. And I own books! But about shit that happened. That's what I'm talking about. Fifty shades of grey? Fifty shades of shite. I'm not having it. Novels...how could you read that? Do you write novels? Don’t tell me you write novels.
D: I've written a novel.
N: What was it about?
D: About a guy who sees a girl...
N: Here we go. Already the shittest book of all time.
D: ...and he finds her camera and...
N: But you know that doesn't happen in real life! You know that never happens! Sounds like that film about the yellow Rolls Royce.
D: What's the film about the yellow Rolls Royce?
N: It's about the yellow Rolls Royce that's passed down through the ages. Becomes a Nazi staff car. Ends up in a garage in fooking Chippenham.
D: It's not exactly like that.
N: Please don't tell me it's called The Tale Of The Fooking Amateur Beekeeper.
D: It's called Squirrels In June.
N: You fooking cunt. You're not trying to tell me you called it Squirrels In June, are you?
D: No, I didn't call it that.But do you like films?
N: Yeah, I love films.
D: But films aren't real. Do you sit watching them thinking, "Oh, this didn't happen"?
N: Well, you've presented me with a dilemma there. But,say, my favourite film, The Good, The Bad And The Ugly...now, that might've happened. The American Civil War - that happened. I guess I don't have the chip in the brain that allows me to...like, if I was to read the book of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly, I don't want to have to invent the character Clint Eastwood plays...I want to just watch him.
D: You want all the work done for you.
N: Too fooking right. Novels and the people who write them, like I say, are putting themselves a few rungs above the rest of us. They're purporting to be intellectual, and... for you to write a book, is for you to say, "I am better than you". My 68 million records beat your one book.
D: Your album's over in 45 minutes.
N: Yeah! Done! In and out, put the kettle on. There's just a lot of time devoted to the reviewing and reading of books. More man-hours are devoted to reading about books - not even reading books.
D: So, as with Hitler, books are out. What would be your idea of hell?
N: One of your book signings. Or actually, if someone was caught not taking it easy - "You were seen working late on a Friday!" - I would make them listen to Radio 1. Pretty fooking dreadful. The music is...I can’t get my head round pop music [right now]. It all sounds the same. It’s all on the same frequency. It all seems designed to aggravate my teeth. You know music that makes your teeth hurt? There's a lack of...soul on Radio 1. I mean, what is going to be the future of chart music? I don't understand it. It's when radio stations start focus groups. They literally go outside their building and ask people walking by, "If I played you this song, what would you think?" and all that. Don't ask the man on the street! He's a cunt! That's why he's the man on the street, not the man in the expensive restaurant eating fooking mini sausages at four in the afternoon! There's great records coming out this year you're not going to hear on the radio. Temples, Jagwar Ma. Great stuff, but it's on a lower level. It's not on the battleground. You have to be in that world to hear it.
N：你写的书的一场签售会。或者，当有人没遵守规定，在周五晚上加班，我会命令他们听Radio 1电台。会超痛苦。那些音乐是...我不能听到流行乐。听起来都一样，尤其是节奏。它们似乎都是来破坏我的牙齿的。你知道那些会弄疼你牙齿的歌吗？Radio 1没有灵魂。这样死板的音乐会有什么未来？我不懂。这一切都是因为电台开始看重群众的观点。他们会到街上访问行人，问“我给你听这首歌，你对这首歌有什么感觉？”之类的。干嘛要去问一个街上的路人？他们都是傻逼啊！这就是为什么他不是在下午4点在豪华餐厅吃小香肠而是在街上混！今年发行了很多很棒的专辑，而你在电台上是不会听到的。Temples, Jagwar Ma.，很棒的音乐。但是这些音乐在地下，不是在流行乐的战场，你必须走进它们的世界中才能听到。
D: And groups like One Direction...
N: Banal pop music, like One Direction, say...what I think is: everybody's winning out of it. One Direction aren't working in the local fooking Costcutter, so they’re winning. The geezer who’s writing the fooking shit tunes, he’s winning. He doesn't even have to leave the studio. He’s got fooking new houses coming out of his ear
holes. The record company are winning - 'cos they’re all getting their fooking bonuses at Christmas. The young 12-year-old girls are winning because one day they might actually grow up to give one of them a blow job. They’re all winning. No one’s losing! The only people who are losing are idiots like me at 9:30 in the morning when you’re trying to get the kids out the door for school, and they’re fucking murdering one of Blondie’s songs.
D: Speaking of family, what does your mum think about you and Liam not speaking at the moment?
N: She’s not arsed. We spoke about it once and that's it. How can you be bothered about two grown men in their forties who don’t speak to each other? What’s she going to do? Order me to call my brother?
D: Do you miss your nephews, though?
N: Well, I miss, I guess...when [Oasis] were together, we spent so much time touring that outside of that I never used to see anyone from the band. And I'm not really the jolly uncle type. I'm a loner. A lone wolf. I'd have made a brilliant assassin. Sniper. Sitting in a tree for four months on the off chance. I enjoyed being in a group. But I was never a part of it. I was always off to one side.
D: Liam was in the papers recently because he tried to ride a dog in a pub.
N: Liam's got a touch of the Red Indian in him when he has a drink. When the Europeans went to America, they got the Red Indians pissed and bought Alaska off them for a fooking milk-bottle top. "Wahoo! Firewater!" There's a bit of that in Liam when he's drunk. "Wahey! Let’s have a go on that dog!"
D: Not you, though?
N: I'm all right when I'm drunk, I wouldn't ride an animal, though.
D: And in this brave new world, who would you build a statue of? Who is the Icon's icon?
N: It's Les Dawson. You forget how funny he fooking was. You've heard his jokes so many times before. "Wife's run off with the bloke next door...God, I miss him." Les Dawson, man. Absolute stitches...
N: 应该是Les Dawson. 他这人真的太好玩了。你以前一定听过他说的笑话。“我老婆跟隔壁的家伙跑了...天哪，我太想念他了。”这就是Les Dawson，太好笑了！
翻译：Lewis & Rachel