五月演出小结/Things we learned from recent shows

The lady in the Shenyang hostel is a liar. It’s not 90 minutes to the airport, it’s only 30. She will cost valuable sleep and the end result will be waiting outside a locked, dark airport in the cold.
那个沈阳青旅的老板娘喜欢谎称到机场要90分钟，明明30分钟可以解决的问题。她会让你损失宝贵的睡眠并且最终在黑漆漆冷飕飕大门紧闭的机场外苦苦等待。
- If you are booking bands, please tell the bands what time they are playing and what time they are expected at the venue. This is just good practice, and will cut down on the confusion and also help with booking flights. Send an email with the times – not asking too much.
如果你是演出的组织者，请让乐队知道具体的演出时间和需要到场的时间。这个很实惠的做法将减少不必要的困扰并且大大帮助乐队提高预订机票的效率。把时间都写在邮件里——一个不算很过分的要求。
- Sound guys should come and talk to you before they push you out of the way and change everything on the guitar amp.
调音师的工作通常都很辛苦，但他们还是应该在询问乐队的意愿和想法后再跳到台上来调试音箱。
- Taking your shirt off and throwing up the ‘metal horns’ doesn’t make you a better guitarist. It makes you a jerk.
在台上赤膊并且挥舞摇滚手势并不能让你变成一个更好的吉他手，只会让你看上去又怪又傻。
- The Xi’an airport is pretty far away from the city, however this is made up for by nice mutton on sticks.
西安机场离市区也太远了，还好他们有美味的烤羊肉。
- People on the airplanes will buy anything that is presented to them. Model airplanes, and watches with radios are very popular. We suggest you buy shares in Spring Airlines and begin laughing all the way to the bank.
飞机上无聊的人们会买下所有的促销产品。飞机模型和带有无线电的手表都是当季热销品。我们建议你购买一些春秋航空的股份，然后在去往银行的路上开怀大笑吧。
- Backwards bikes are everywhere in Shenyang. I want one. Can you get one on Taobao?
沈阳到处都有那种倒装的三轮车。我想要一个，可以在淘宝上买到吗？
- One guy told me that he heard Australia is covered in cow shit and the cockroaches like to eat the cow shit and because the cow shit is everywhere the cow shit doesn’t allow the grass to grow. Cow shit. I would like to say this is not true.
有人告诉我他听说在澳大利亚到处都是奶牛屎，它们阻碍了小草的成长。然后蟑螂们就爱吃这些奶牛屎，因为它们别无选择。奶牛屎哦，好吧这不是真的。
- Listen carefully when people speak with their thick accents. Shit gets way lost in translation.
和口音很重的人说话时一定要听仔细，否则你的中央处理器给出的反馈会差到十万八千里。
- Hanging back stage or in the ‘band room’ all gig doesn’t make you a cool guy or a rockstar. It makes you a dick.
在后台或者“乐队专用室”里至始至终地呆着并不能让你变酷或者成为摇滚明星。只是傻逼行为罢了。
- Metal bands are not to be fucked with. Shit gets violent pretty quickly. Just steer clear and let them do their thing. What they say goes.
金属乐队是不可以随便唬弄的，否则暴力总会常伴左右。把握好分寸，让他们去做他们想要的，都可以了。
- Beware of creepy middle aged men in dusty clothes who walk around and inspect the surroundings. They are looking to steal shit and get very excited when they see a computer, although their excitement is visibly reduced when they release said computer is not an Apple Mac, but just a shitty white Samsung that was bought from Best Buy the day before it closed.
要小心那些穿着脏兮兮又四处乱看的中年人，这些鬼鬼祟祟的小偷看到白色的笔记本后激动不已，然而这样的热情也随着他们意识到这只是一台在百思买倒闭前一天买的普通三星而不是梦寐以求的苹果机后明显减退。
- Guangzhou people are the best. They help carry your gear, are well organised and make some awesome music. Everyone should play shows in Guangzhou, but be prepared for some mosquitoes
广州人民太可爱了！他们主动帮助你提设备，精心策划和组织演出，并且演奏新鲜美妙的音乐。每个人都应该去广州演出，不过请先带好蚊不叮。
- If you’re girlfriend breaks up with you, it’s not a good idea to get drunk and go play a show. You end up yelling a lot of Chinglish at the other band and then getting yelled at by the bartender and crying. This is even worse if you are just singing shitty karaoke songs.
如果你的女朋友和你分手了，最好不要选择在酒吧买醉演出。去KTV唱唱流行金曲总比对着其他乐队嚷叫蹩脚英语并且最后被酒吧老板娘斥责然后在台上情绪化要强一些。
- A shit original is better than a good cover anyday.
一个恶心的原创永远比高级的翻唱美妙。
- Playing covers is like putting two condoms on to have sex. It’s already been done once and there is really no point to do it again. Pairs do encourage safe sex though.
翻唱口水歌就像是戴两个安全套一样。前人做过的事情就不用再去重复了，俱往矣，不过我们还是提倡大家要安全行乐。
感谢你们全部 所有好的坏的和怪的
对我们来说都有价值
很高兴认识你们
Pairs
圈圈叉叉