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悲伤的便利
“我说到自己的悲哀正如英国人说起自己的家:我的悲哀是我的城堡。很多人都把有悲哀看成是生存的便利之一。”
——Kierkegaard
每次看基尔克果的书都充满真诚的悲哀和对生命的热爱,他总感到如此空虚,以至于无法生活,可没有这种空虚感的人恰恰少了生存感,不知道下一步做什么,本来就是生命应该负荷的力量,这力量同时给人勇气和气馁、快乐与哀伤、幸福与不幸、仇恨与坦荡。
“悲哀”如果成了生活的便利,我们便可以自我原谅,对于自己的一切过错、放纵、心机、利益计较都心安理得,因为“我”悲伤。悲伤究竟如何与我相关,竟然可以给予我这样放肆的权力?“我”的悲伤痛入骨髓,所以需要疗伤甚至报复?因哀而生的恨,恰如因爱而有的愁苦,都像小虫钻在人心里,啮齿心里的肉,痛饮心里的血。最深处的深渊敞开了,看到死亡的黑夜,阴暗深沉,那里如果有哪怕一点点慰藉,人也会抛了生命坠入其中,可惜得很,人无处可逃,背负了哀伤的人,除了蜷缩起来等待天明,等待心里的虫子吃饱喝足寿终正寝。
哀伤的便利无疑只是让人暂时正常地活下来,麻木下去,腐蚀殆尽,留一个躯壳。如米莲所说:
Sorrow Vincent Millay 忧伤 维森特•米莲 未已译
Sorrow like a ceaseless rain 忧伤像是无歇的雨
Beat upon my heart 击落在我心头
People twist and scream in pain,--- 人们在痛苦中扭曲,尖叫---
Dawn will find them still again; 黎明时会发现他们重归平静;
This has neither wax nor wane 它没有增添 没有减损
Neither stop nor start 无始又无终
People dress and go to town; 人们穿着好 去了镇上;
I sit in my chair 我坐在自己的椅子里.
All my thoughts are slow and brown:所有思绪变缓又变褐:
Standing up or sitting down 站起或坐下
Little matters,or what grown 琐碎的事情,穿什么礼服
Or what shoes i wear 或穿什么鞋子.
当然“悲伤”还有一种可憎的便利,就是在悲伤中堕落,作恶,复仇,自恋式地自残自杀,这些真实的可憎的现实,或许入不得诗,却能深入人心。泯灭那一点点让人活下来的希望——爱。
爱走了就只有生命的废墟,且不值得凭吊,有诗为证:
Ashes of life Vincent Millay
生命的废墟 维森特•米莲 未已译
Love has gone and left me and the days are all like;
爱已走,留下我,日子一样平庸;
Eat I must, and sleep I will,---and would thatnight
我必须吃饭,我还会睡觉---还是那样的夜晚
Were here!
降临!
But ah!---to lie awake and hear the slow hoursstrike!
啊,但要醒着平躺,听那慢慢的时间滴答!
Would that it were day again!---with twilightnear!
还是那样的日子吗!---拂晓将近!
Love has gone and left me and I don't know what
爱已走,留下我
to do;
无所适从
This or that or what you will is all the same tome;
或这或那或你愿做什么,对我都一样;
But all the things that begin I leave before I'm through,---
但所有事情我开始我离开在我经历之前---
There 's little use in anything as far as I cansee.
我目力所及处,一切都无济于事。
Love has gone and left me,---and the neighboursknock
爱已走,留下我---邻人敲门
and borrow,
借走,
And lift goes on forever like the grawing of a
生命永远地消逝着像耗子
mouse,---
啮齿---
And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and
明天的明天的明天的
tomorrow
明天
There's this little street and this littlehouse.
这里有条小小的街和小小的屋。
英国人的“城堡”,或“小屋”,或“椅子”,悲伤如“我”者的居留地,或许还会记起卡夫卡《城堡》开头那段话:
It was late evening when K. arrived. The village lay under deep snow. There was no sign of the Castle hill, fog and darkness surrounded it, not even the faintest gleam of light suggested the large Castle. K. stood a long time on the wooden bridge that leads from the main roud to the village, gazing upward into the seeming emptiness.
卡夫卡把生命哀伤的城堡看在身外的眼里,庞大黑暗,压在头上,而非居于其中,可知他感到的悲伤的分量。
若为情欲所困者则将哀伤寄于舌间:
Lolita,light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. lee.ta. (Vladimir Nabokov Lolita)
悲伤的力量又可在舌间掂量,究竟它是轻是重?
哀伤的城堡就在舌尖,人所能承受的轻与重。
然而,与我而言,在这个世界面前,在每次欣然感悟、融入自然造化之时,都有一种释然,一种坦荡,一种笃定,一股力量,我热爱这个充满苦痛却也让人异常欢欣的世界,在泪中我们学到的最多,在死亡中我们理解的最多,在笑声中我们获得的最多,没有什么会在一颗感恩的心里孤寂、死灭、顿失意义。一切真善美的属神的力量,赋予人不苟活的勇气,抛下便利的“哀伤”捷径,走上一条崎岖艰难的道路,要拥有神性需付出无比的艰辛乃至真实的生命。
Afternoon on a Hill 午后山上
Vincent Millay 维森特•米莲 未已译
I will be the gladdest thing. 我将是那最欢快感恩的造物
Under the sun! 在太阳下!
I will touch a hundred flowers 我将触摸一百株鲜花
And not pick one 却不去采摘一朵
I will look at cliffs and clouds 我将注视海崖和云卷
With quiet eyes, 用那宁静的眸
Watch the wind bow down the grass 看风儿把草吹弯
And the grass rise. 又扶起。
And when lights begin to show 当光芒开始照耀着
Up from the town, 从城镇上升起
I will mark which must be mine, 我将标记下那注定属我的一缕
And then start down! 再动脚下山!
God's World 神的世界
Vincent Millay 维森特•米莲 未已译
O, world ,I cannot hold thee closeenough!
哦,世界,我无法将你拥得更紧!
Thy winds, thy wide grey skies!
你的风,你广袤灰白的天空
Thy mists, that roll and rise!
你的雾,舒卷,蒸腾!
Thy woods, this autumn day, that ache andsag
你的树木,在这秋日里疼痛弯垂
And all but cry with colour! That gaunt crag
且尽都褪色号哭!那荒芜的峭壁
To crush! To lift the lean of that blackbluff!
粉碎!扶起黑色海崖的倾颓
World,world I cannot get thee closeenough!
世界,世界,我无法将你拥的更紧!
Long have I known a glory in itall,
长久以来我已了解到它一切中的荣耀
But never knew I this:
但我从不知道:
Here such a passion is
有这样一种激情
As stretcheth me apart,---lord, I dofear
能把我伸展开去---主啊,我担心
Thou'st made the world too beautiful thisyear,
您让今岁的世界太过美丽,
My soul is all but out of me,---letfall
我的魂灵几乎逸出了自己,---别落下
No burning leaf; prithee, let no bird call
那燃着的叶;求您,别再让鸟儿鸣嘀.